Parker is my little guy.
I like the phrase in french, 'Petit Mec'.
He shines.
He smiles.
He runs.
He grows.
He no longer runs to my bedside when he wakes up in the morning.
I hear him go straight for the kitchen where he likes to play cars on the wood floors.
I have been sick about him lately. Physically and emotionally....Since the summer, actually. And what to do about him/with him/for him. And his schooling.
It's a hard job being a mom.
We are always worried about our little people.
Add a handicap, and I think the worry multiplies exponentially.
But at the same time, there is some reassurance that while I think I control my environment, I have conceded some time ago that all is in God's hands. I am just a tool in His hands. I have my agency, yes, and I do my best to do what I think is right. But in the end, I feel, especially when it comes to my Little Guy, Parker's life is in God's hands.
We're looking for better schooling solutions since where we are now just isn't optimal for him. And one doctor recently said at the deaf school, 'On cherche la solution le moins pire."... It means, "We're looking for least bad solution."
Of course I want much MORE than the least bad for any of my children. I want the BEST.
I'm considering something drastic. I think we need drastic.
But then I was talking with someone yesterday, a wise woman who said to me, "But---Who wants him to catch up??"...I had to stop myself and think before I responded, "Me".....and I felt that that was wrong somehow.
Then we had a house full of people over for dinner last night. And one friend of mine said, "I think of Parker like a little Messiah." I had to ask for clarification. I didn't know the word in french. All of what he has been through and his miraculous swimming pool story after the meningitis and everyone fasting 3 days to save his life...add the Jerusalem hotel incident. To her, that makes a Messiah.
And it made me think.
We talked about peace and how sometimes we feel peace during a trial--- and then, the outcome is not what we expect, after those feelings of peace. But the peace doesn't necessarily mean that all will be returned whole.
Or the whole is different, or much later than we assumed or expected.
And how that is just plain hard, and confusing sometimes.
So I ask myself:
"What's my role here?"
Make him the best that I can???
School him and change him & challenge him the best that he can/we can/teachers/professionals can????
Or just love him & teach him and watch him grow??
I think he will continue to touch us and teach us as he does so....
Whatever that means for us, for him. Whatever that means by way of schooling.
I sometimes feel I am in a different school. On a different plane. My life was so simple and fun before these twinnies were born, and before this little boy got sick. But I definitely lacked the depth and richness in compassion and understanding that I have now.
This school is tough.
Ahhh-
Mon Petit Mec.
I love that guy.
I love that smile, that hug, the way he purses his lips to kiss me, the way he says,"Stay there" while he runs to get something. Or says,"Sit down" when he wants me to cuddle him in his toddler bed.
The way he laughs and runs ALL THE WAY TO SCHOOL.
And how he belly-laughs with joy in looking at a pigeon, or an autumn leaf in the park.
Or how when I scold him for running into the street or something else,and I tell him he's not allowed to do it again and I ask if he understands, he says,with his lips quivering and his eyes batting,"OKAAAAAY".
Mon Petit Mec. A moi. Qui Devien GRAND. Right before my eyes. I love love love him. Mon Petit Mec.
